When he tried to stay out of it
One of the first things my son said was simple and healthy: he did not want to be pulled into the divorce.
But instead of respecting that boundary, the pressure continued.
Example One
When a child is asked to carry adult conflict
What this shows
Children, even adult children, should not be used as messengers, mediators, or pressure points during conflict. A healthy boundary sounds like, “I want to stay out of this.” An unhealthy response sounds like, “I don’t care what you want.”
When he offered help instead of anger
My son could have simply walked away. Instead, he tried to offer something better.
He encouraged his father to go back to church. He suggested therapy. He spoke about wrath and how it had hurt his own life. He was trying to reach him.
Example Two
A son reaching for peace
What this shows
Sometimes adult children become painfully wise because they had to grow up around emotional volatility. Here, my son was not trying to attack his father. He was trying to point him toward help, healing, and responsibility.
When he asked for a healthy relationship
This may be the line that breaks my heart the most.
My son was not asking for perfection. He was asking for basic respect.
Example Three
Love with a boundary
What this shows
A boundary is not abandonment. A son saying, “I want a healthy relationship with you” is an open hand. A father turning that boundary into guilt makes the child responsible for the parent’s emotions.
When guilt followed the boundary
After my son tried to step away from the divorce conflict, the messages shifted again.
There were apologies, but the pressure kept returning. There were requests for support, but still very little recognition of the boundary he had clearly set.
Example Four
The pull of obligation
What this shows
Guilt often sounds loving on the surface. It may use words like help, support, prayers, and family. But when someone has already set a boundary, repeated pressure can turn love into obligation.
What I understand now
Looking back, what stands out to me is not what my son said wrong.
It is how hard he tried.
He offered encouragement. He offered honesty. He offered faith. He offered grace. He offered another chance.
Sometimes healing means realizing that loving someone and saving the relationship are not always the same thing.
Sometimes an open hand remains open for a very long time.
And sometimes the bravest thing a person can do is stop reaching.
A child should never have to earn a parent’s love by carrying that parent’s pain.
If you are an adult child still trying to win the approval of someone who keeps moving the finish line, please know this: your worth was never supposed to depend on whether they finally understood you.
— Jewel ✨